Monday, December 29, 2008

Alittle of this and that

This last pic is a stratch I did from the pain medications I was allergic to. Not only did it make me throw up but it made me itch like crazy.

Hey everyone!n I don't even know where to start on here since it has been awhile since I wrote in here. I guess I will start with surgery. My surgery was the 17th. It was supposed to be an in and out procedure of a laporoscopy. No biggie to me since I had it done so damn times. It turned out to be a mess really. My Dr had to call in the General Surgeon because the adhesion's and scar tissue was so bad on my bowels he couldn't by law of his license touch it. It was so bad that it could not even be lazered off, it had to be cut out. Than they thought I had a hernia by my vaginal wall which turned out to be a huge mass of adhesion's and scar tissue thank god. The pain was intense when I woke up. I was on Dilotin for pain and was allergic to that so I was dry heaving and all with compazine shots in the ass to stop the vomiting for 3 days. By the 4th day I was on no pain meds cause I was afraid to throw up, 4 incisions on the belly and throwing up is not a good feeling at all. It hurt pretty bad. The pain from this surgery hurt worst than the hysterectomy surgery I had 7 years ago. I finally got home on the 20th at like 7:00 at night. I was glad to be home but damn the pains were so intense. Here I am 10 days later and my left side still hurts pretty bad but bare able. My tolerance to pain is pretty high since I been dealing with the Endometriosis since I was 14, have no choice but to deal with pains. I have 4 incisions from hip to hip from 3 c-sections and the hysterectomy and here the damn Dr, cut me from belly button down to the hair line. I was so mad when I seen that I cried like a baby. My belly is ugly enough with all the scars and stretch marks,he just made it 20 times worst.

Christmas was good. I was still in pain but it was all for the kids, always is anyway. Joe cooked a ham and turkey with a bunch of sides, my brother was here with his fiance, my brother in law and his wife and 2 kids and my family so I had a full house. It was nice though that I did no cooking or cleaning up, LOL. It was good but my appetite at that time was limited so all i had was turkey and stuffing. I was too afraid to eat and get sick again, LOL. My worst fear is throwing up so I will in any case avoid to throw up. Alyssa and Joey were super happy with what they got for Christmas and Jonny had no clue as to what was going on like every year and kept going to the tree looking at it saying "tree" "tree" like wondering why there is a damn tree in the house. It was a nice day but very long for me!

Today my cousin's husband left for Iraq, I feel bad for her. It sucks. They have 2 kids and one of them is just a new born. So now I feel bad for my cousin having to take care of 2 babies and the house and all on her own as I feel bad for all the women who's husband's have to leave over sea's. It sucks. I hope Obama makes the changes he promised!!

The weight I was so excited about that I put on (14 lbs) I lost already. I went over to see Nae and I was down to 104. Sickening. I look sick! When i was 114 I looked good, the boobs were nice and the ass was there, LOL. I have nothing now. I am trying so hard to get my appetite back but it is hard after surgery to get it back fast! Nothing tastes good and everything just tastes different.

The pics are from what I looked like a week later so you can imagine what I looked like after my surgery. It is sooo ugly! My stretch marks were never this bad but I guess since he pumped me up with the air he made the stretch marks deeper.... I just wanna cry!

There is alot of personal stuff going on, I will write about that later. It is time for me to lay down, my left side is killing me!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I've Been Busy

The past few days have been extremely busy with always something to do or going on. Wednesday Jonny had an appt at the new Dr's office (the child Phycho Dr). Well we went to go school to pick him up and when we get to the office, we had a little surprise that his appt was cancelled but no one called me to inform me of this. I was quite ticked off. His apt now is Monday at 11:00 and the evaluation is 2 hours long. I hope she does something to help Jonny sleep better at nights, this is nuts! Joe get up with him around 3:00 am until like 7-7:30 than wakes me up to be with him and Joe goes back to sleep for awhile, it is just insane!

Thursday I had to go to the hospital for the pre-admission blood work and all the questions of this and that. They took 5 viles of blood and after that I had to get an EKG because I am a smoker. That in itself was 2 and 1/2 hours long.

Friday I get a call saying I need to come back to the hospital to get the blood work taken all over again because there was blood clots in the tubes. WTF!!!! She said this was no one's fault and it happens frequently... Hmm I doubt that and I blame the nurse for this one. She didn't spin it right or something.

Friday night was my candle party. We had a blast. We went through all the candles that were made which was 38 different ones and than the ones in the bottles which was like 50, LOL. I am so immuned to these scents so Ismell them differently I think, LOL. It was a success considering there was only 8 girls there but we had a blast with the wine, LOL., I got home at 2:30 a.m. still feeling that buzz feeling, LOL

Saturday Jonny's therapist came for 2 hours and talked to me about moving Jonny out of the school district possibly if they cannot come up with something to help this child and how they can control him. This is their job, they went to college on this so they of all people should know how to control an autistic child. It pisses me off!!!

Today is Sunday and I am hoping to get to the stores and get some more Christmas gifts for the kids and some outside lights. I have like 6 bushes I want lights in so I must do this but I am not sure if Joe has band so it all depends on that. I cannot take Jonny to the store when it it Christmas time, he is deathly afraid of the Christmas animations and thins so him going with me in nearly impossible. Maybe I can take him and bribe with him with McDonald's Chicken nuggets and fries, LOL

I snowed last night, flurries were just slowly coming down. It looks so pretty but I hate the shit! It makes it feel like Christmas but i still hate it, LOL. I hate the cold weather too, it hurts the bones in my legs.

Ok.. I think that is it for now. I might be back later and read more blogs, I still need to wake up here a bt, LOL


Sunday, November 30, 2008

Why Me?

To make a long story short, my Mother and I went to Walmart and got Joey and Alyssa new winter coats last month. The one I got Alyssa was too small so when I went to get nother there was none so I picked out this pretty pink, brown coat. Alyssa hated it and said it was for the younger kids, not kids her age. (How well I remembe doing this too). So whatever, the coat just hung in the closet and she wears these heavy hoodies to school. No biggie to me.

I went shopping as I said in my previous post about Black Friday. I did buy Alyssa the coat she wanted. I couldn't resist. It was an $80 coat on sale for $40. Come on now, you can't beat that! It is those coats the kids wear with the fur around the hood and fur inside and it comes just to waist line. All black. I loved it! If I had the extra money I would have gotten myself one! Anyway, with that being said I also got her 2 pairs of boots one pair was $20 and the 2nd pair was $10, how can u resist that too? These are boots she wanted! Than I went into Aeropostal and bought her a t-shirt for $10. Holy shit now, $80.00 on 4 things she wanted for Christmas, I was proud of myself that I got great bargains.

I get home and show my parents and Joe what I got. My Mom turns around to me and says I can't believe you went and bought her that coat! She has one in the closet that she refuses to wear. Hmm exactly! I said I got her what she wanted for Christmas. Yea, this is my money from my candles but atleast I started to shop since this year is going to be tightwith Joe not getting paid yet. Better get them while they are on sale right!?!?!

Saturday morning, early afternoon my Mother decides to say to me, "I have some things I want to say to you but I don't know how to go about it. I said Like what Mom? Than she went off saying I should have never bought the jacket for her. Than it was, I never talk to her. What? Well when I lived upstate we would be on the phone for like 2 hours rambling about this and that. I said well Mom, you live here now, you see what is going on, I tell everyone how Jon does in school, their report cards and what not, what is there to say to you. You live here, you see it all. Conversations are limited now because you live here and see and hear everything. I live in a bubble she says. I go around cleaning, doing what I need to do and don't say anything to anyone. I say good morning and I kiss them both goodnight and tell them I love them. What the hell more do you want from me? She had me so upset I was crying. Why can't you just leave me alone I said. I don't bother anyone and when it comes to my kids, they are mine, butt out! You tell Alyssa she is grounded the next day and when the next day comes you let her go. Well I am sorry, it was something stupid and it is my kid anyway, why does this bother you?

The festivities of Christmas is very hard but I love it at the same time. My brother's death anniversary is Dec 12th and my father is law is not here either, that is still fresh. My son Jonathonbothers me becuse Santa is coming and he has no clue as to who Santa is, ask for things he wants, look forward to gifts under the tree, the movies on tv that we wtch. All this gets to me and I tend to want to be alone and be left alone. My son't sutism in itlsef depresses me so bad. I know there is nothing I can do about it but it depresses me so bad, espceically when it is this time of year. Some people can take it better than others. My husband Joe takes this all better than I do. Yea it bothers him to pieces too but he handles it beter than me.

So now because I bought my dughter a jacket for Christmas I am getting ignored which honestly I would rather it be that way anyway, friction is just rediculous and her not talking to me is like her bein a hypacrit isn't it? I don't know, maybe it me but joe stayed upstairs and listened to the whole thing of my Mom yelling at me and me screaming at her and I even yelled at my Dad too. I am sick and tired of people getting on me when I do nothing wrong. My Mother in law came over to see what was goin on, she thought maybe Joe and I were fighting. She went upstairs to Joe and they both listened to both my parent bash me for shopping and living in the bubble I supposably live in.

Freaking family screws me over more than my friends do and to me that is horrible. I trust noone in my family except one Uncke andone Aunt, that is it! I seriously have noone to talk to about my problems or my depression besides my mother in law who nderstands how I feel and comforts me it the way of me feeling like I am not going crazy, that thisis normal for me to feel this way and it is ok to just do what I want and not talk to anyone if I don't want to. It is not like I am inoring them, there is ust nothin to talk about because we all live here in the same house.

Alyssa will try and do anything she can to get out of the house. She cannot stand my Mother. She said she loved her when we would go visit them upstate but now that they live with us she said her Grandmother is another person she don't like. So she will try and sleep over her friends house as often as possible and I can't blame her really. My Mom is cool when she wants to be but she is so old school it is not funny. So since yesterday after this arguement over a f*ucking jacket and me being a bubble I have been ignored! How nice huh!!!

Joe says she likes to cause drama and I am starting to believe this myself. I just don't kno wwhat to do expcept pray that thwir inlaw suite gets up FAST!
Well as I mentioned before I went Christmas shopping for Alyssa on Black Friday. Alyssa wanted this coat so bad and I could not reisist for $40.00 so I broke down and got her this coat along with an Aeropostal shirt, and 2 pairs of boots that she wanted. Also as I mention in my previous post I could not say what I got but I have no choice but to because this is an entry that needs to be said.

Last month my parents gave me money to get the kids winter coats. Joey is easy, Alyssa is at that age now where she wants what the

Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday Shopping

I had no intentions on going anywhere today but out of nowhere at 12:00 I decided to get a shower and go shopping. Not that I had alot of money on me but I had enough to get Alyssa 4 of her gifts she wanted for Christmas and I spent $85.00 total for all 4 things. I can't really say what I got in case she reads this but it was a HUGE bargain that I got. The one thing I got her that she really wanted was originally $80.00 and I got it for $40.00. I was stoked to get it.

I am the EVERY YEAR BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPER and this would have been this first year I didn't go so I couldn't break the tradition and it was good to get out of the house for while by myself and no kids, just me! Now I kinda regret walking so much because my ovary feels like it is going to explode and my left kidney is killing me. I am not the pill popper so I will cope with the pain until I can't walk than I will take motrin or something for the pain but by that time I take my night medications and I am out for the count anyway!

Should I tell you how packed the malls were, Walmart, Toys R Us, AC Moore, Target, and Michael's were?!?!? It was wall to wall people and very rude people. I think if I was not on these phycho meds I would have flipped a lid on some people but since I was calm, I took it like a lady and waited in line while I hear people talk about how this sister was a bitch last night after dinner, how Uncle Same ate the whole pie and didn't save any for anyone and why the hell didn't Kathy bring anything, she comes to eat for Thanksgiving and didn't bring a damn thing. I was standing there listening to every one's drama thinking.....My dinner was good and I had no drama to talk about for once, LMAO. But it was very humorous to listen to other people bitch and moan about their own famiy members, hehe

Tomorrow is Saturday and I have nothing planned but to make some cookies and candles. The candle party is this Friday so I have a few days to make them. I am really craving some raw cookie dough so in the midst of making choc chip cookies I will eat it raw while no one is looking!!

I hope you all had a good holiday! I am thankful I have such good friends online =)

I love you guys!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving was good. I got up at 7:30 made my spice cake with cream cheese icing. While the cake was baking I was cooking my sausage for the stuffing and cutting celery and onions. I had the turkey in the oven by 9:30. I was so proud of myself to have it in that early. So my dinner consisted of Turkey, home made stuffing, mashed potatoes, broccoli, cranberries, fresh Italian bread, gravy, and rolls. For dessert we had my home made spice cake with cream cheese icing, pumpkin pie and apple pie with rocky road ice cream and vanilla ice cream. It was YUMMY!

It was just my family that lives with me, all 8 of us and than Alyssa's friend ate over too because her family didn't do Thanksgiving (why I don't know). So 9 of us ate together except Jonny and Joey ate grill cheese. I really wish they would atleast try the food but... what can ya do right. This foods program starts with Joey in January now and I am sticking to it too. Whatever they say I am doing and I am not giving in. Jonny is alittle more difficult to change but he is offered this organic snack everyday, hey.. it's a start!!

I hope you all had a wonderful day. I know it is like 8:00 p.m. now and I am exhausted. I manage to take a 2 hour nap while the turkey was cooking but I still felt so tired. I don't know why I am always so tired, I hate it! I hate feeling this tired everyday, it's horrible. Hopefully when the surgery is over I won't be so tired. I think all the pains I have everyday bring me down and make me feel this tired, I truly believe that. Running around after kids and cleaning up after them ever 5 mins don't help either =(

Jonny decided to play with Squirt again tonight (our turtle) and have water everywhere once again. This time I was not sleeping, we were all playing Yatzee and next thing you know we all heard this Swoosh sound. There was water everywhere yet again. So now that everyone was here playing a game and my son did this, am I bad mother for this? If you don't know what I am talking about, read the post I have saying I am a bad parent!

Ok... I am for the night!

Hope you all had a wonderful day!

Love and Hugs,

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Alittle Of This And That

Ok, the hospital called me today for the surgery. First it was the Dec 10th but I could not do it on that date because I have to get the bone denstity test done and Pelvic ultra sound so the surgery is Dec 17th. I have to be there at 6:00 a.m. I know I need to get this done, it is WAY OVER DUE (7 years). I am so scared but at the same time I am thinking, well, I will be able to walk around the block with the kids with no pain, have nice romances with Joe with no pains and be able to wear jeans with the button on and the zipper up! It's been a hell of a long time since I was able to wear jeans buttoned and the zipper up! That is what I am looking forward to. Scared as hell but the pains are so unbareable at this point that I have no choice but to get this done and over with. The Dr said the surgery is going to take a few hours to get in there and do what he has to do and if it worst than what he thinks the surgery will take longer. As long as I am asleep and don't wake up in the middle of the surgery I will be ok, LOL. I had a dream lastnight that I was getting surgery and I woke up while they were doing their thing and I could feel every move, that was scarey! My mind is playing tricks on me now. So from now until Dec 17th, I am going to be a nervous wreck!

Tomorrow Joe and I have to go to the store and get a few things for Thanksgiving dinner. I need 2 stalks of celery, bread, gravy and dinner rolls. I have everything else. Since my parents live with me I don't have to invite them for dinner and since my mother in law lives here too, noone has to drive anywhere. I THINK my brother in law and sister in law an their 2 kids are coming. We usually have them over every year for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is always nice, it is the start of the festivities of Christmas and I love it! I love the music, the kids getting excited for Christmas and Santa. I want to start putting up the lights around the house soon before it gets even colder than what it is now. Darn it is like in the 30's and 40's and winter is not even here yet. I think this winter is going to be a bad one like 93' and 95'.

Jonny has an appt with a child Phychologist so I am hoping they will change his medicines and help us with the meltdowns. I feel so bad. He was just sitting here tonight on the couch watching tv and out of nowhere the tears slowly went down his cheeks. All he said was "No Cry".I said, that's right Honey, no cry! He does this from time to time for no reason. I think he is at the age now where he knows he has a problem and wants to be like the other kids.I truely believe this and not being able to talk I know is a HUGE factor of his meltdowns. I cry all th time over Jonny. It saddens me so much to see him like this. I want to help him so bad but there is nothing more I can do but what we are doing now. I am starting to buy organic foods for him, he won't touch them yet but if I offer it everyday he might just one day pick it up and try it if there is nothing else for him to eat!

Well.... I hope everyone has a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving! I am going to make home made choc chip cookies, cakes and things like that. the junk never lasts long here with Joe and Alyssa and my Dad... they love their junk food. I do too but I need to be in the mood for it.

Speakig of foods... when I went to the Dr's I weighed in at 111. YAY for me. I have been trying to gain some wight for like forever now. I stopped at Vernae's house the other day to drop off a candle order for her Mom's friend and Vernae noticed right away I gained some weight. I was happy when she said that! I am so sick and tired of hearing people say you are too skinny and you need to gain some weight. You know what I feel like saying?!?! Yea you know what I am thinking! Skinny is different than thin and thin is what I am, not skinny. The weight I seem to be gaining is going to the thighs and my butt. It usually goes to the boobs (that are hardly there, hehe) but this time it is going to the thighs and butt!

Bridgete, you go girl! I am so proud of you and your weight loss! Keep up the great work!! No matter how much weight you lose, you will always be beautiful to me!!

Ok.. enough of me tonight. If I don't get to write tomorrow


Monday, November 24, 2008

I Am Totally Scared!

I am going to try and make this a short story but I know it's going to be long here so bare with me on this and try and be in my shoes on all of this info I am about to say here.

Back in 96 when I gave birth to Alyssa I bled for 18 momths straight. The Dr's could not figure out why I was bleeding and tried everything in the world to stop the bleeding from shots, birth control pill every 4 hours to a surgery. After the 18 months it stopped out of no where and I thought I was prego but I wasn't. It just stopped on it's own.

In 1999 I got prego with Joey and everything was peachy keen after they injected me with drugs to help me get pregnant. No bleeding after the birth and everything was good besides the Endometriosis getting worst and had numerous surgeries and shots (Lupron).

Back in 2001 I got pregnant with Jonny with no help by the Dr's and after the birth in May I bled straight until Valentine's day of 2002. That is the day I had my hysterecomy. My original Dr made me go to this other Dr because he could not perform surgies anymore because of the insurance but explained to the new Dr to do a scope on me and clean out the Endometriosis than a few weeks later do the hystrecomy. Well this Dr didn't see fit to do all this and just went forward to the hysterecomy and I hemridged and almost died. I was in the hospital for 12 days in ICU. Now remember this is February ok. Well in May of 2008, a few months later I was in DIRE pain and the Dr told me it was all in my head. He finally gave in and did surgery and found Endometriosis all over and when I mean all over I mean all over. I still have the ovaries but everything else is gone in me. Well the Endometriosis decided to climb on my spine, push my left kidney against my back, push on my bowels and bladder and down my thighs. This Dr showed me the pictures he took while he was in there and said I need to have a LONG ASS surgery to get rid of the Endometriosis and that it will take about 10 hours to do. Well it was scheduled and I never showed up. They called at 6:00 am asking where I was on the answering machine. I never picked up or called back. I was SCARED as hell ever since what happened with the hysterectomy.

I FINALLY go to my OBGYN today because the pains are so bad I can't take it no more. Just for me to go pee I actually have to push like you would to have a baby. My bowels... hahaha... I have IBS from the Endo so it is constipation one day or the shits the next.

Sex......... That is here and there with tears from pain. It sucks. Everyday I am in dire pain but just kept dealing with it as much as I could up until a few days ago when I said I cannot do this anymore. I am not a pill popper, I hate to even take my Phycho meds but I know I need them to keep me sane. I don't even take tylenol for pains, I refuse to take anything, especially narcotics.

My Dr today did the whole Pap test and all. He said he could feel the swelling on the vaginal wall. No wonder it hurts you Theresa he says, it is so swollen in there from the Endometriosis. "Theresa Honey, I know why you have been holding out on the surgery but we need to do this like NOW, you have children that need you and the longer you wait, the worst your organs are getting". "We are doing blood work to see if you have a blood disorder from when I gave birth bleeding so much and from the hysterectomy. I also have to go and get a bone denstity test done. Lupron shots are basically putting a woman into menopause and you are technically only supposed to be on Lupron shots like 3 times and I have been on them like 7 times to control the Endometriois because I had no other options besides surgeries thatI always refused =( Now I regret it.

Bone denstity test and ultra sound of the pelvic area is Dec 10th and after that my surgery will be scheduled. I am SCARED shitless. i am so serious I am really afraid to die. I almost died whe I had the hysterectomy because of the hemridging and them opening me back up 12 hours later. It was bad plus blood transfusions on top of it.

I AM SCARED to do this surgery.

Dr says he is going in with the scope, going to look around and see how bad it is and get out what he can. What he can't get out is the major surgery with the specialists there that can get the kidney to straighten out with a stent and all. I am so scared! I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life when it comes to surgeries, I've had so many but just the last one really put a damper on my feeling towards surgeries now. If all goes well, I can come home that day if the surgery is not major. If it turns out to be a major surgery where all the Dr's can be available I will be there for a few days!

I am scared guys. What if I die? What would my kids do without me? What if the same thing happens from when I had my hysterectomy? My Dr had 2 Assistants with him that are going through their internship. The one guy looked at me and said you are a living Endometriosis nightmare. My Dr turned around and said I have never ever ever seen this happen before and yes, Theresa is in the medical research book for Endometriosis.

I want to cry but it won't come out. I tell Joe I am so scared and all he says is, you'll be fine. What else should I expect? Nothing. Nothing at all really. I just need him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and I will come home that day and be in no more pain!

The surgery date is unknown at this time, they are waiting for the blood work to come back first and my bone denstity test and pelvic ultra sound first. I'll keep you guys posted on when it is so you know I am not ignoring you guys when i am not online writing you on here and Myspace!

How can the endometriosis grow when I don't get a period? All I have is ovaries and the right one is the size of a grape, non functionable so how is the Endo getting worst and growing with no period I asked.

The Answer:
The ovaries are still in there which produce hormones and endometriosis grows from the hormones and atttaches where it can and apparently from the pictures my Dr got from May of 2008, it is ALL OVER. Well tjat explains why my back hurts all day long, it's on my spine. That explains why I have to push just to pee. That explains why i cannot have sexual intercourse with my husband without tears or hurry up Joe cause it hurts!

Just do me a favor guys and pray if you pray. If you don't pray.. think of me!!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Let's Talk About Drugs

Ok so I am on all different kinds of kinds of mdications. I asked my Family Dr if I could go on Zyban to help me quit smoking and he said no way, it would not work with the Phycho medications I am on. This was Wednesday I went to the family Dr.

Thurs night I went to the Phycho Dr. told him I have really bad mood swings, like a flick of a switch still and I am god aweful tired all day long. I could sleep for 12 hours and still want to sleep for another 8 and STILL be tired. My blood pressure was 100/62. Well that could be why you have dizsy spells he tells me, I was complaining of dizzy spells all the time and being tired. He took blood work and urine so we'll see how that goes.

Anyway here is the medicines I am on.

Klonopin twice daily (once in the morning and one at bedtime) 1mg
Seroquel 200 mg at bedtime (which he up'd for the mood swings) it was 100 mg
Remron 30 mg at bedtime

Wellbutrin 100 mg
Women's One A Day

My Phycho Dr told me that being on Wellbutrin is in the same family as the remron and Klonopin and Seroquel and told me the Dr had no idea what he was talking about, LOL

Nice family Dr I have huh!

The whole idea of the Wellbutrin is help me quit smoking. The first month won't take affect because it usually takes 3-4 weeks to kick in but by the 2nd month I should not be smoking as much and by the 3rd month I should be abl to quit and chew some gum or suck on candy.

I read all about these drugs I am on and Jesus good Lord, I seem like I am a huge Phycho path who needs to be put away, LOL The side affecrs are scarey in itself and damaging to kidney's and all. What the hell! I already have problems with my kidneys and all from the Endometriosis on my bladder,kidneys, bowels and spine.

I am going to die a young woman, I just know it!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

This And That

Hey everyone! After all the crap with Myspace and Joe's friend being Joe for awhile things have been ok. Joe and I discussed our problems with communication, not spending time with each other and etc... it was nice to hear how much he loves me and didn't realize it until I was ready for a divorce.

I went to Alyssa and Joey's conferences. They both did GREAT and I was surprised actually. I thought Alyssa was going to be grounded and Joey as well but they both shocked me and I was stoked to see the good report cards!! YAY Lys and Joey. Joey even got an award for perfect attendance!

I am in the middle of making more candles for the upcoming candle party Dec 5th which I am so stoked about. I will post pictures when I get them all done. Joe's cousin has 2 websites and said i can join off her websites with my own domain for $10 a year and her friend is going to help me make my website! I am so excited!!!

So things here with Jonny have been pretty bad! His meltdowns are terrible and I had to pick him up from school yesterday because it was that bad! I just don't know what to do anymore. Jonny See's the Child's Phycho (lol) Dr Dec 3rd so I am looking forward to that! This sucks! Today was a bad day for him which makes me a wreck and in a bad mood because nothing I want to do with him makes him happy when he is like this. I tried to give him herbal tea, NO WAY! He threw it! I tried to give him organic snacks and looks at me like I am crazy and smells it and says NO NO NO!

It's getting late and I took my medicines so I will write more tomorrow.

Love you guys =)

Friday, November 21, 2008

You guys will love this one

The previous messages that you seen from that girl Michelle and Joe... Well Michelle was me. I made a FAKE Myspace to catch him in the act. I knew it was joe the first msg about the Battle of the bands and all. As far as the other messages, It was NOT Joe. When i sent him a message about the sex and all, it was Kile who also goes on the band site. At the one point at 9:00 something Joe was sleeping when i went to check wheni got the last message, the laptop was not even on and it was a minute later. I called Kile and said Dude... I was snooped into your Myspace and seen those messages to Joe and signed by Joe but how is it Joe when he is sleeping. Kile admitted to me that he was saying it was Joe cause Joe is the good looking one and if she knew it was him she would not talk to him (which is true). I said why would u wdo that when u know Joe had previously gotten into trouble with this shit. This could put me in divorce court over this and by you using Joe's name. That is awe fully wrong!!!! So at this point, I know it was NOT Joe (THANK GOD).

When I spoke to Joe about all this he had no idea what the hell I was talking about with the sex talk and all. I can tell when he lying and when he isn't. I told him what happened with that girl being me and I was trying to catch you in the act and here I thought I was until I found you snoring inbed after I got my last msg and I knw it was not you so I called Kile.

Joe was laughing. He also showed me messages he got from other girls and he showed me the sent messages back saying thanks for the compliment of you thinking I am hot but I am married to a bautiful girl for 14 years now and I am not about to jeapordize my marriage over someone over the net or anywhere else.

I felt safe after I seen that. he also wrote Jenny and told her he was married and that they can say hi and how are you thing but that was it. I was surprised to see it and this was days ago, before Michelle even came in to play.

Ok so there we are. Here I am thinking I am getting Joe, having the proof and it was not even Joe. I told Joe you have to understand where I am coming from because u have screwed around on me for a long time now.

Don't I feel like an ass!!!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Be Honest

Ok... so Joe has been doing some bad awful things since his Dad passed away on the Internet, chatting, flirting, making singles profiles, sexual conversations and whatnot with girls over and over for a year and a 1/2 now. Within the past 2 months I caught him chatting it up on Myspace with certain girls, I took action with the girl and him and took his laptop away and bla bla bla. I am making this story short here cause there really is alot more to this. I just wanna know something. If this were you and you seen your husband talking to the same girl over and over, maybe just casual talk BS stuff, you kick her off his myspace and he re adds her over and over and tells the girls you are phycho and than you see he tells her he misses her. How would you feel? I seen it last night on his comments that she said I miss you too so of course I go to her site on myspace under Joe's acct and see what he said to her to see why she said that. I wrote her under his acct saying back the F off my man, he is married with 3 kids and you were warned before bitch. Get your own man whore and lay off mine. Knowing this is Joe and her but she was warned before from me to leave my husband alone. I took the laptop away like 2 weeks ago and swore I would never give it back.. I gave in thinking he won't do it again. There is nothing I can see that is going on but all msg's were deleted and comments too, I just so happen to see the last one he didn't see yet.

I don't know what to do. Joe says they are just words over the net. I said those words go further and further and it is ALWAYS her you talk to so there has to be a connection somewhere with you 2. He denies it of course but every time I delete his myspace or delete her, he finds her and re adds her! I am so pissed off.

Would you be mad if you seen your husband write a girl saying I miss you??? A girl he has been chatting it up with for a few months now? Should I just let it go? He says it is just being nice... to the same girl?????

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Veteran's Day

To all that served for this country! You all well deserve more than what you get and than some! I have to be honest, I don't think I could join the military and go to war and do what the vets do so I applaud you and thank you for everything you have done for this country although i don't think we should still be in Iraq but... thank you to all the VETERANS!!

Today is not such a good day for me and Jonny. Jonny was flipping out because he wanted to go outside at 9:00 this morning. It was too cold and I wanted to clean up my house somewhat before I took him to ride his new bike his Grandmother just bought yesterday. Dottie (mother in law) bought all 3 kids new bikes yesterday, they are really nice. I will have to take some pics of them when they get home. Anyway, Jonny was flipping out, throwing things, dumping his drink on the floor and couch (which is white), screaming, kicking and crying. Nothing can calm him down and I cannot just give into to him every time he wants something because than he will know that he can have a meltdown and get what he wants. I more or less punish myself for this but I have to do it, it is the right thing to do. He can't always get wha he wants all the time.
After I cleaned up I took him outside like he wanted since 9 am and took him on his bike. He didn't want that after 20 mins. He wanted to go on the swing. Ok let's go on the swingset and play. He started to get upset saying SpongeBob. I brought him in and he has been fine since than but it has only been an hour. It is hard to do anything when Joe is at school. I needed to make some candles today and I can't do tha until Jow gets home because every 5 minutes he wants somthing or is getting into something and I cannot walk away from boiling hot wax.

Sometimes I just feel like I cannot handle the meltdowns. I don't know what to do with them when he does it and he is very strong. It is very hard to calm him down when this occurs. I can't imagine notbeing ablw to talk to tell anyone wha i want or what I am thinking and etc... It sucks and it breaks my heart. Jonny can only say a few select words but can repeat what you say but it kills me when he wants something and I don't know what it is =(

Joe should be home by 1:00 I am hoping,I wanna take a nap. I have like the biggest headache in the world.

Hope you are all having a good Tuesday@


Monday, November 10, 2008


2:00 in the morning we are woken up from a nice dead sleep by our son Joey saying one of our car alarms are going off. We figured someone walked too close to one of the cars and it went off. Now mind you, there are 4 cars at my house now. Joe's truck, my car, m Dad's car and my mom's car. Usually my Dad's car is in the driveway for easy access with the wheelchair and Joe's truck is in the driveway. Well anyway, we went outside to see and it was Joe's truck. Here the back window was smashed in, glass on the seat and his wallet was still there, right in front of the eyes bu what was taken???? His sunglasses!! Yea his friggen sunglasses that are prescription anyway and he is blind as a bat without his glasses so whoever took them feels like an asshole. This person must have seen Joe wear these glasses and loved them so much that they had to break in the ruck and get them, little did they know they are prescribed, HA!

Joe is really upset. His truck was his Dad's truck when he was still alive and his Dad LOVED his truck. That was Joe's Dad's first truck he ever bought BRAND NEW and he was very proud of it and took GREAT care of it. The truck was given to Joe when Dad passed away so this truck has emotional meaning behind it. Joe feels like he is still with his Dad when he drives it so when this happened last night, it was not good.

I hate neighborhood kids!! This is the first time we ever had a problem since we moved here in April. We are always nice to the kids so they don't vandalize our house or anything. I am assuming it was a kid but than again, why would a school kid be out at 2 in the morning, than agin, there are alot of parents out there who don't care.

Today started out great! I ran out of black ink so I have to go do that today after I make some candles. Kids are off tomorrow for Veteran's Day so no candles tomorrow.

I hope today gets better...


Sunday, November 9, 2008

I'm A Bad Parent

I guess I am a bad mother or as I was told today in so many words. Alyssa was out with her friends at their house, Joey was at a B-day party and Jonny and I were watching Shrek in his room laying on the bed. Nex thing you know he is sleeping so I dozed off along with him. Low and behold he woke up and I didn't feel him get up and he came downstairs (with my parents in the living room) and decided he was going to play with our pet turtle squirt and play in the water. I hear my name being called, I get up and my Mother is screaming at me, "Your his Mother". There was water all over, a pebbles here and there, my desk had water on it, my chair, the fireplace and the around he tank. Well I bust out laughing and saying OH MY GOD! I never never never do that but it just so happened that today I was overly tired I guess and dozed pretty pretty fast and didn't feel him get up.


Well Joe's Mom (my mother in law and her sister) helped me clean it all up as we were chuckling about it because Jonny don't know right from wrong and it was kinda funny, LOL. My mother in law's sister said to me... What kind of Grandmother is your Mom that she didn't hear this going on and see what was happening or check on him. I was like oh no, she just did not say that! LOL

I swear to ya I never sleep when Jonny is awake, this is a first and I do have to admit that if this happened to Joe I would have flipped out on him but when Joe got home I told him gntly what happened. He was ok with it. He was not mad but he did say, ya know if I did this you would have flipped. He's right, I would have but here is another thing I was saying. What is the difference from me dozing for a few minutes and that is what it was, literally a few minutes than cleaning the rooms while he was down here watching SpongeBob or supposed to be watching SpongeBob? It could have happened when I was cleaning or hanging clothes. I do everything around here so I am exhausted and the candle business is popping so I am exhausted from home issues to a business. Exhausted mentally and physically but I seriously think there is something wrong with me. I could sleep for 12 hours straight and still feel like I never slept a wink. I am ALWAYS so tired and I drink alot of caffeine such as coffee and pepsi. Why am I so tired?

Anyway... that was my day today! I am a bad mother and now I am being ignored by my Mother because of this. Hmmm.... Everyone makes mistakes and it;s not like he was here alone although I do admit it was wrong, there were 2 grandparents here in the next room.


The Kids B-day Party

Hello everyone! I hope every one's weekend is going well. Mine is going good but today is still Sunday, early, LOL.
Yesterday I had a small party for all 3 kids combined. Jonny's b-day was in May, Alyssa's was in Sept and Joey's was Oct. Well right before Jonny's b-day that is when my bathroom ruptured from he ceiling and than Joe got laid off so this was the first opportunity I could throw them a small but nice party. It turned out very nice. I got 7 pizza's, 4 plain and 3 pepperoni, bottles, soda, chips with dips and etc... The kids had a blast. Jonathon got an outfit and $30, Joey got a gift card for $10.00 and $50 cash and what Alyssa got, I have no idea. She wanted these boots from the mall which were $20.00 but I asked her does she want te makeup or the boots. She said the makup since she has none. I should have went with the boots, the makeup was expensive,LOL.

The party was at 4:00 and mostly everyone was gone by 7:00. After I cleaned up with some help, I took the boys to my cousin's house (not Jonny) and than went to the bird store called Bird Paradise. My mother in law wanted a new BIGGER cage since our cages we have now are tiny and our poor birds have no room to move. So we got new cages, I'll have to post pics later when I set it up. It is really nice but every time I am in there I want a baby McCaw, they are so sweet and loving but than again I have a cockateil and she is awesome, She just hops on my shoulder and walks around with me and she will do it forever.
So now I have a new cage! YAY!!!

I have another candle party demo December 5th. Joe's 2nd cousin's wife is having it at her house. ia ms ooo stoked!!! Everyone's feedback on the candles are great so I guess I did well, LOL.

I have to make candles today and get these orders outta here because my nail salaon wants me to bring her in 8 16 oz candles and 8 12 oz candles for the store, which I know will sell because she is always so busy!

Ok... I have to go check Myspace and check something out with the websites, LOL

Hope you are all well =)


Friday, November 7, 2008

My Candle Party

Go read it. I wrote a long thing about how the party was lastnight. I am not sure how to add people to my Candle blog.. How do I do that?? This blogging stuff is confusing to me, LOL'

Anyway since I am here. Can someone please tell me where to go for a website where I can have my own domain like www.scent-trecandles,com or something, where I can have links fir scents, colors, sesaonal candles, photos and etc... I also need paypal on it with UPS delivery. How do I do this. Where do I go for this?A friend of mine said she would do my site for me and I was going to pay her $100.00 to do it with 3 free candles, LOL.

Anyone know how to do this, do a website, graphics, HTML codes, links and such? Want a $100 and free candles for doing this for me? LOL

Love you guys

Monday, November 3, 2008

Six Things About ME

Thanks to Brandi I was tagged to tell 6 things about me. I'm not exactly sure what to write in it but here goes.

1. My family means more to me than anything in the world but yet I still feel like I am not the greatest of Mom's around. I feel like I have to do more for them or something. The love for them is unique, like nothing I have ever felt before in my life.

2. My husband and I are complete opposites. I mean from drinks to food. I like Pepsi, he likes Mountain Dew, I love candy, he hates it, I hate death medal music, he loves it. The list can go on and on.

3. My favorite color is black and technically it is not a color but it is for now =)

4. I HATE shoes. I am serious. I despise shoes!! I refuse to buy shoes for me. I will go to my best friend's house and take her daughter's shoes before I buy them! I am a barefoot person.

5. People say to me I am too skinny. I HATE that! Skinny is such an awful word. I am THIN, not skinny. Skinny is like all bones and nothing else. I have meat, just not alot and now the meat is going to where I wanted it to go for a long time now, my boobs!!!!

6. I am a very cocky person and I love to argue with people, even if I am wrong, but I will laugh at it though to let the other person know I am kidding. I love to laugh!

Well there are my 6 things about me. Brandi already tagged everyone so there is noone I can tag!

Thanks Brandi!

Not So Bad Monday

Well today was not such a bad day. It was a weird day actually. I had to call my company where I order from for my candles to add 3 more scents that I ran out of, I just caught it in time and it was shipped today but since tomorrow is a holiday there is no mail so I will get all my new scents on Wednesday. I will definitely let you know how they smell =)

I got up at 6:00 am with Jonny, cleaned the house, did the wash and by 11:00 I was in napping until 2:00 when my Uncle came to visit us. Spoke with him for while and than the kids got home from school and Alyssa and I went to the mall. We went everywhere trying to find SKINNY jeans for her so when she wears the boots the pants don't roll up and look stupid. I finally found a store. Aerocrombie for kids. SWEET I thought! They had her size which is a 12. Ok I am thinking, let's try them on and see how they look. They actually looked really good on her. How much are they I asked Alyssa? I am thinking like $35 ish.. Nope. $50... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?! Well i paid the $50 for the jeans. her B-day party is this weekend so that is her gift. I was ready to have a heart attack and than I had to sit and think for when I was a kid her age. My Mom and Dad paid $50 for jeans too when I was once that young but we had stores like G&G, No-Name and things like that. Today is different. These stores are crazy. She wanted this hoody which I have to say was AWESOME... Guess how much!!! $99. Yea. I was like holy crap!!! I told her if these are the clothes you want to wear, you better start chores around the house and ask for them for Christmas because I don't have the money to buy clothes like that all the time. We have a hard time finding her clothes that fit because she is so tiny weight wise and short. So we had fun though. We got our pics done in one of those little photo thingies and you wait 1 minute and your photos come out. We had fun, we talked, we laughed and we ate at Subway. We split a a new sandwich called Chicken Pizziera. It was good. It was chicken with pepperoni, sauce and cheese. It was good. We had a one on one time with Mommy and Daughter time which we never have and it was sooo nice. She is such a sweet girl when she wants to be! She was THRILLED to death when I bought her these jeans though. The smile on her face was glowing which made me feel good and the best part of it all... I did it.. I DID IT with my own money that I earned and that feeling is good actually. It actually felt nice to spend my money that I knew was mine and not my parents money or Joe's money. Not that I wanna do this all the time but it was nice.

This weekend is the kids b-day party for all 3. Nothing big, ordering pizza, chips and etc... Not alot of people but just enough to have the kids happy. I am not sure how Jonny will react to it, I am sure he will be ok since he knows everyone that will be here anyway and it is supposed to be nice Saturday so maybe the kids can go outside and play or something.

Tomorrow the kids have off, I have some candles to make, not alot, only 3 but than on Wed when my scents come in, I have a few more to make of the new scents and I am lookimg forward to the lavender one and the lemongrass which is Yankee type.

It's now 8:30, Jonny is sleeping so I am going to play my game for awhile and go to bed since tomorrow will be a long day with all he kids home =( I think it is RIDICULOUS that the kids have off for Election Day, they can't vote anyway and people can vote when they get outta work!!

O.. I said enough for the night. Se you all later and hope everyone is doing well =)


Sunday, November 2, 2008

November Already!

I cannot believe it is November already! Today is Sunday and I have alot to do around here. I have mega wash to do since all I have been doing is candles. I got 2 more orders to do and he Autism one still to do. I did start the Autism but my stupidity let the best get to me and I didn't the one layer dry long enough and it leaked so now I have to start that all over again. Uhhggg.. Just that one candle is 4 hours but in the middle of the layers i will clean, do wash and make other candles I need to make and when my recent order of scents come in I will make them too.

Saw V was good last night. It was an expecting thing I never thought would be so my whole reaction to the movie was... OH MY GOD! There was hardly any blood, guts or gore in it this time.

Do you know how much it costs to see a movie now? $10.25... Yes you heard right $10.25 a ticket. And than to boot, a SMALL soda is $4.50. Holy good lord! I am so glad I had a candle order or I would not have been able to go at all. Nae and I ate some chineese before the movie at the mall and that was $10.00 for me. She was just like.. Oh my god Theresa, I can't believe you ate all that! I said, I told you I eat like a pig, LOL.

So anyway, today is candles, wash out the wazoo, cleaning and getting ready for school for tomorrow. They have off Tuesday for Election day. YAY fro us parents!

Well it was nice to get out of the house for awhile anyway. I could not tell you the last time I was out of the house besides the food store runs.

I need to quit smoking, like seriously. I just can't do it cold turkey, I am moody enough as it is. The medication to help you quit is not covered by my insurance so it costs $115 a month. I think if Nae's Dad can quit on it than so can I. He did it for 6 weeks and it has been almost a year now since he quit and has no cravings or anything for it. He tells us now that we smells like cigarettes and we need to quit, LOL.

Ok... so I need to sart the wash now. Get back with you all later =)


Saturday, November 1, 2008

I Feel SO

Bla today and for some reason cannot get motivated to do anything. Joe woke me up at 6:00 because Jonny was up since 3:00 am so I got up and made my orders for he candles I had and by 10:00 I was WIPED as could be. I am usually never like that. I went back to bed and Joe let me sleep until 1:00. OMG. I never do this. NEVER!!!! It is now 5:00 p.m. and I still feel like I can go back to sleep right on this chair I am sitting on. I drank 4 cups of coffee and that did not help either.

Nae and I are going to the movies at 7:40 to see Saw 5. I hope I am alert when that time comes. My Mom even vacuumed for me, did the dishes and all while I was sleeping. This is just not me.

I'll fill ya's in on how the movie was, I am a HUGE ass fan of the Saw movies and I even took a pic of a guy last night trick or treating because he was the JigSaw. I asked him if I could take the pic and post it online., he said yea cause no one knows who is under the costume anyway, LMAO.

Jigsaw is above, LOL

Friday, October 31, 2008

Interesting Halloween For Me

Well I got up at 6:00 am starting making candles for more orders I got, than decided when the kids went off to school I was getting my hair cut. I kinda regret it now, I don't think it fits me at all and I think it aged me even more =( It's hair, it will grow but I don't think I am liking it =( Here is the the pic of the hair.

So that was that. I came home and gave an order to a customer... damn that sounds funny, LOL.

The kids got home from school and we got ready for Trick Or Treating. We had a blast and ofcourse Jonny did NOT like the makeup on Alyssa or Joey. He was deathly afraid to go near them and stayed in the other room. He jad a bad day in school that I decided to let him go, I can't hibernate him from everything. He had a meltdown in school because of the costumes so the teacher took him in the gym to play while the parade was going on.

Here's the pics of he kids. Jonny's pics look weird because he was holding his cd in front of his face but it was still so cute not to share. Alyssa was Linda Blair (The Exorcist) and Joey was a demon, LOL.

Hope you all had a terrific Halloweeen, we had a blast and loads of kit kats, YUMMY!!!


Thursday, October 30, 2008






Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Need Some Ideas

Ok so I am having a candle party Nov 6th at my cousin's house. My cousin has a baby with Down Syndrome so all the family and her friends support the foundation. My one idea was for everyone to put a their name in a hat and I will than pick out of the hat a name and whoever it is wins a Down Syndrome candle. My other idea for the party is a timer. Pass around a candle until the timer stops, when the timer than stops that person wins a candle of their choice that is at the party or if there is not a scent there they want I will make one for them the next day and deliver it to them.

I need some games idea here for the party to make it fun and not so bla and scenty, LOL. Come on guys, I know you guys can come up with some ideas for me, I never did this before so this is my first experience doing a demo myself and I never really went to them before because I was always broke and I hate to go to parties with no money =(


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

First Day Of Snow

Can you believe that it freaking snowed today?!?!?! Yes it did and not just small little snow flakes that lasted a minute. They were huge ass flakes and it lasted a good hour or so, it even was landing on the cars and grass. I could not believe this. I don't ever remember it snowing this early in October or even in October at all. I think this winter is going to be a bad one, kinda like 93'. Good Lord if I am stuck in this house with everyone 24/7 snowed in, I think I will go nuts!!

I went with my Mother in law to her settlement of her other house. It seemed like it took forever to get through. I still have mail going there because I actually forgot to do the change of address to my address here so I spoke to the new owner and he told me to come and get my mail whenever I want, it is ok. I have to go tomorrow to change the address though.

Halloween is Friday and I have yet to get the kids their costumes. Alyssa wants to be the Exorcist which is basically a white night gown with horror makeup on. Joey wants to be a devil which is a black cape and devil horns. Hope I can find this crap tomorrow. I am just not into Halloween this year, I don't know why. Jonny don't do Halloween at all. I have to keep him home on Friday from school because the costumes will flip him out.

Today was a very bad day for me. I don't know why but everything seemed to be going wrong or it is was just hectic as hell. I can pretty much guarantee that my Dr. is going to up my Klonopin or something because I am still a bitch for no reason. I mean I know why, happiness is just not there and there is so much going on at one time it is crazy.

Jonny has been having meltdowns like crazy in school and when he gets home is weirded out. He don't have meltdowns but he is wired and wants this and that and 1/2 the time I don't understand what the hell he is saying and than he gets frustrated and than I get frustrated and around a circle we go.

I am just about set for the candle party, I just have to think of some fun games to do at the party. I know I am going to have everyone put a number in a hat and whatever number I pull out wins the Down Syndrome candle. I also have a game where the candle gets passed around until the timer stops, when he timer stops on that person, they get a free candle of their choice of a candle that is there or I will make it for them after the party. I am pretty excited but nervous at the same time ya know. I need to think of fun things to do at this party. HELP ME OUT!!!!!!!!

Ok.. I am off for now. I think I am going to be early tonight so I can wake up tomorrow in a better mood o go shopping for costumes.

Love you guys!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Candles In the works

Here are a few pics that I have taken from my kitchen table. Candles that were made over the weekend and some that are still in the works of drying. All 3 of my orders I received are done, all I have to do is decorate the lids and I am ready to deliver which one is tomorrow, Thurs and Fri.

I broke my thermometer today so I had to get a new one and of course as I was there I bought more flowers for my lids for the candles. I just love to decorate the lids, I think they just make the candle so pretty!

Here ya go...

Candles in the works above!!!

As The Weekend Goes

The weekend is going ok so far. It is Sunday morning right now, Phillies won last night (YAY PHILLIES)! I went to bed at 11:30 last night, for some reason I was just pooped and had to go to bed but when i went to bed I was watching Saturday Night Fever. I just LOVE that movie!

I went to Nae's house yesterday for her daughter's surprise b-day parry! I just missed Julie walking in the door by seconds. Damn it! I had called Vernae earlier that day to ask her if Julie sill played with baby dolls cause I seen this baby on sale for $40 and I had to get it. She did so I stopped on the way to her house and got the baby, the bag and a card and a bag of candy corn for her, lol. It was a nice party, the ice ream cake was really nice and it was good. Pizza was good too.

As I was at the party I was talking to Nae's Mom's best friend about the candles and showing her the Halloween kind I made Nae and a wickless one I made her. I put her on my site so she could see some of the pics and the scents I have. She ordered 2 16 oz candles and 2 5 oz candles I normally don't seel, they are fiven for free with teh 26 oz candles but I charged her $5.oo for 2 of them, so there is $40 for me, YAY! I am making them today so I will take pics later and show ya. I am also going to make other candles for the candle party as well too. I need to start these Down Syndrome candles, they take 4 hours to do and I need 8 of them now. HOLY YIKES!!!!! It's it for a good cause I and I feel good about myself that I am giving 25% away to that foundation for support for the children and adults who needs special things done.

So today is candle making day again. It is gorgeous out so I am hoping by at least 1:00 I can open my windows and get some fresh air. It has been freezing here lately but than again, anything under 75 degree to me is COLD as hell, LOL.

Pictures later to come!

Hope u are all doing well!

Friday, October 24, 2008

It's Friday

Today is the 1st night of Saw 5. I want to go so bad but of course the money issue is a big problem. It totally sucks that Joe has this training for this job and they don't pay him, that just sucks! Alyssa wanted to go to the movies tonight with her friends to go see High School Musical 3 and I didn't even have money for her to go. I gave her my last $15 for her school trip next week to go rock climbing. It just sucks!

I went to the Dr's yesterday. My medications I was on was 1/2 mg of Klonopin 3 times a day, morning, afternoon and bedtime, 50 mg Remron at bedtime and 50 mg of Seraquil at bedtime. Well I was blowing up on everything going on and telling him I sleep well but during the day I feel like a raging freaking lunatic he up'd my medications to 1 mg of Klonopin 2 times a day, one in the morning and one at night, 50 mg of Remron and 100 mg of Seraquil. I took it last night and let me tell you, I was like high going to bed and I don't even remember hitting the pillow.

You know what I want that is virtually impossible. A HAPPY pill. I want to laugh again, I want to smile all day long and I want nothing to bother me anymore. I want to feel like I am high on life. I want to be at the store and I want people to say Oh my gosh look at her pretty smile and look how happy she is. I haven't been this way sine I can't tell you when.

Jonny is not doing good in school. His meltdowns are getting worst and worst. They are lasting longer now. In school noting can calm him down now and it is like 2 hours of meltdowns. I wish they would call me so I can go up there to help him but like they said, Mommy can't always be available to be there and he had to learn how to calm himself down. WHAT!!!!!!!!! You have Autism and cannot communicate and cannot talk or say what is bothering you or if you are not feeling well and can't say it, tell me how would you react?!?!?!? I get so angry!!!!

I feel so angry inside. I told the Dr I feel very angry and alone. I am married but yet I am alone. I have no one to tell my feelings to but the Dr who can side with me on saying it is Ok Theresa, what you are feeling is ok. I want to cry so bad but it won't come out. I want to Crochet a blanket but I don't want. Make sense? During the day when the kids get off to school I clean the house and play my game for a bit, make some candles and than I take a nap for awhile until the kids get home. I feel like sleeping my life away. Sleeping is the escape from reality I think. I don't wanna kill myself but I just feel bla all the time and I am sick of it to be honest with you. It's like nothing makes me happy anymore. Why do I feel like this? How can I stop from feeling like his? The Dr said give the medications some time to kick in and see what happens next month when I see him again. I feel like an asshole honestly for feeling like this. Things I want to make me happy I can't have which depresses me even more. It totally sucks.

Ok now that I have vented my feelings for now, this weekend is going to suck like usual. Vernae has a surprise b-day parry for her daughter tomorrow at 1:00 so I am going there but in the A.M. Joe as to help his brother move some shit out of the house. Than on Sunday ofcourse like ever freaking weekend I am stuck with the kids to do nothing. I have no money to even take them to McDonald's playland or something but than again Jonny can't be there anyway, he hates the loud noises from the kids and the games and so... who knows what I am going to do on Sunday. I can't make candles with Joe gone, Jonny is a handful and needs something like every 2 minutes and I cannot leave what I am doing with candles ya know. Maybe I will take the kids to the park and feed the ducks, Jonny was scared the 2st time I took him but the 2nd time I took him he just sat there and rocked saying "duck" "duck" "duck" so maybe I will do that if it is not that cold out. I can't stand the cold weather, it literally hurts my knees so bad that I could cry. Believe it or not the Endometriosis has gone down my legs and into my knees and that is why they hurt all the time and at this time I still refuse to get surgery that will take 10 hours to do. Not after what happened before, I am not ready to die yet or take the chance like last time.

Life is so freakimg grand!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

GO Phillies

Well they won their first game of the world series! I have to honestly say though, the Rays have an awesome pitcher! I asked myself last night I wonder if I could actually hit a fast pitch................ HELL NO!! HAHA! That guy can pitch... I can't remember his name but damn he is good! It was a hell of a nail biting game! I have to root for them, it's been since 93' that they were in the World Series. I hope they win it so my Father In Law (God rest his soul) can be one happy ass man in heaven!


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I am so.....

sick and tired of feeling like shit. No matter what I do to make myself feel better or do something to keep my mind off my sucky ass life, I still get down and out. The kids (Joey and Alyssa) had dental appt's tonight at 5:00 so ofcourse when we get there, there are atleast 30 kids running around like little apes with no parents correcting them and that pisses me off to no end. We got there at like 4:30 hoping the earlier the better... NOT! We didn't leave the dentist until 6:15. Joey had 3 fillings to get done and all 3 of them were cavities that were in between teeth so he needs to floss alittle better apparently. 2 were on one side and the other on the other side so his whole mouth was numb, LOL. Alyssa had 1 filling to get so that was not bad. just sitting there gave me a huge ass headache than I come home and my house is a shithole. Clothes still sitting on the couch, paper on the floor and bla bla bla. Do I expect Joe to mop for me or anything like that? Hell no. But when I am gone doing this u can atleast put clothes in the proper rooms, he don't even have to put them away, just put them in the rooms, damn! I am just edgy I guess with everything going on. I go to the Phycho Dr tomorrow so maybe he will help me out some before I fucking lose my mind!