Today is the 1st night of Saw 5. I want to go so bad but of course the money issue is a big problem. It totally sucks that Joe has this training for this job and they don't pay him, that just sucks! Alyssa wanted to go to the movies tonight with her friends to go see High School Musical 3 and I didn't even have money for her to go. I gave her my last $15 for her school trip next week to go rock climbing. It just sucks!
I went to the Dr's yesterday. My medications I was on was 1/2 mg of Klonopin 3 times a day, morning, afternoon and bedtime, 50 mg Remron at bedtime and 50 mg of Seraquil at bedtime. Well I was blowing up on everything going on and telling him I sleep well but during the day I feel like a raging freaking lunatic he up'd my medications to 1 mg of Klonopin 2 times a day, one in the morning and one at night, 50 mg of Remron and 100 mg of Seraquil. I took it last night and let me tell you, I was like high going to bed and I don't even remember hitting the pillow.
You know what I want that is virtually impossible. A HAPPY pill. I want to laugh again, I want to smile all day long and I want nothing to bother me anymore. I want to feel like I am high on life. I want to be at the store and I want people to say Oh my gosh look at her pretty smile and look how happy she is. I haven't been this way sine I can't tell you when.
Jonny is not doing good in school. His meltdowns are getting worst and worst. They are lasting longer now. In school noting can calm him down now and it is like 2 hours of meltdowns. I wish they would call me so I can go up there to help him but like they said, Mommy can't always be available to be there and he had to learn how to calm himself down. WHAT!!!!!!!!! You have Autism and cannot communicate and cannot talk or say what is bothering you or if you are not feeling well and can't say it, tell me how would you react?!?!?!? I get so angry!!!!
I feel so angry inside. I told the Dr I feel very angry and alone. I am married but yet I am alone. I have no one to tell my feelings to but the Dr who can side with me on saying it is Ok Theresa, what you are feeling is ok. I want to cry so bad but it won't come out. I want to Crochet a blanket but I don't want. Make sense? During the day when the kids get off to school I clean the house and play my game for a bit, make some candles and than I take a nap for awhile until the kids get home. I feel like sleeping my life away. Sleeping is the escape from reality I think. I don't wanna kill myself but I just feel bla all the time and I am sick of it to be honest with you. It's like nothing makes me happy anymore. Why do I feel like this? How can I stop from feeling like his? The Dr said give the medications some time to kick in and see what happens next month when I see him again. I feel like an asshole honestly for feeling like this. Things I want to make me happy I can't have which depresses me even more. It totally sucks.
Ok now that I have vented my feelings for now, this weekend is going to suck like usual. Vernae has a surprise b-day parry for her daughter tomorrow at 1:00 so I am going there but in the A.M. Joe as to help his brother move some shit out of the house. Than on Sunday ofcourse like ever freaking weekend I am stuck with the kids to do nothing. I have no money to even take them to McDonald's playland or something but than again Jonny can't be there anyway, he hates the loud noises from the kids and the games and so... who knows what I am going to do on Sunday. I can't make candles with Joe gone, Jonny is a handful and needs something like every 2 minutes and I cannot leave what I am doing with candles ya know. Maybe I will take the kids to the park and feed the ducks, Jonny was scared the 2st time I took him but the 2nd time I took him he just sat there and rocked saying "duck" "duck" "duck" so maybe I will do that if it is not that cold out. I can't stand the cold weather, it literally hurts my knees so bad that I could cry. Believe it or not the Endometriosis has gone down my legs and into my knees and that is why they hurt all the time and at this time I still refuse to get surgery that will take 10 hours to do. Not after what happened before, I am not ready to die yet or take the chance like last time.
Life is so freakimg grand!
About Me
- Theresa
- Levittown, PA, United States
- I am a 34 year Mom and wife. I have 3 children, a daughter who is 12 (drama queen), a 9 year old boy (computer gaming geek) and a 7 year old little boy that has severe Autism. I started making candles at home because it is so hard for me to get a job that goes around with the kids when they have off, 1/2 days and all. No Daycare would take Jonny in so I decided to do my own business at home making candles. I love it! I love makimg them and also love the fact that my house always smells like a different scent everyday just from me making them!
My flower in my garden
My Special Autism Candle I made
2 comments:
Oh my goodness. I don't even know how to respond to this other than saying, "I'm here for you, Tree."
Oh hunny, *hugs* I am just so sad for you, just feel for you. I wish i knew what exactly to say to help you out :( I can say for sure though i really in a way can relate. Especially to the money issues. We have that big time here. We barely get by eveyr month. We have to pay rent late almost every month and it take so much just to come up with the money for that. Danielle wanst to see High school musical 3 too. I dont kno if we can take her. i am just so bummed. It breaks my heart all the time having to tell her no alot. It is just sad. But hun remember we all do the best that we can as parents, thats all we can do. I really think our love & support is more then anything else. Yes the material things are nice dont get me wrong lol. But i hope u get what i am saying. Im sorry u want to see Saw 5 and cant. Me i dont care for those movies im too much of a chicken, lmao.
Im sorry the doc appt didnt go too well. i really pray things get better for u hun. Your such a beautiful, sweet and funny woman. i want u to really smile that beautiful smile agian i do. I know though with all my heart u will. U got to keep ur head up high hun. You got to keep ur faith i know its easier said then done. Believe me i battled depression and anxiety for yrs i did. It took me a long time to get past that battle. Sometimes it still creeps back. But we can fight it. I hope u know that. Life never gives us more then we can handle never forget that. We have to go thru all these damn curves in life to get by and become stronger in the end u know? Wow the meds the doc gave u defiently sounded like it drugged u up pretty good and helped u. I honestly hun dont see u needing that for very long ;) As for Jonny my heart broke reading this too. I cant imagine what u all go thru. I just feel so bad for him. I dont know, *sigh* I just wish i had better words of comfort for u on this. Just i will pray for him. Yeah i can get what ur saying on even though ur married u feel alone. U just live that same routine daily and that sleep helps u feel better, away from reality. i feel the exact same thing. I think we are just tired of the same day to day stuff. We need a change hun. I am saying this for u and me. We just have to think of what right? I hope somehow hun u have fun weekend. Being with ur friend today will help u. Being around ppl that care about u always does. I know how u feel again about the money thing and that you want ur kids to have fun. But how can we with limited money? Uggh i go thru this all the time. :(
I Love yah hun, *hugs* Just know we are all here for u, Leslie
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