Monday, November 24, 2008

I Am Totally Scared!

I am going to try and make this a short story but I know it's going to be long here so bare with me on this and try and be in my shoes on all of this info I am about to say here.

Back in 96 when I gave birth to Alyssa I bled for 18 momths straight. The Dr's could not figure out why I was bleeding and tried everything in the world to stop the bleeding from shots, birth control pill every 4 hours to a surgery. After the 18 months it stopped out of no where and I thought I was prego but I wasn't. It just stopped on it's own.

In 1999 I got prego with Joey and everything was peachy keen after they injected me with drugs to help me get pregnant. No bleeding after the birth and everything was good besides the Endometriosis getting worst and had numerous surgeries and shots (Lupron).

Back in 2001 I got pregnant with Jonny with no help by the Dr's and after the birth in May I bled straight until Valentine's day of 2002. That is the day I had my hysterecomy. My original Dr made me go to this other Dr because he could not perform surgies anymore because of the insurance but explained to the new Dr to do a scope on me and clean out the Endometriosis than a few weeks later do the hystrecomy. Well this Dr didn't see fit to do all this and just went forward to the hysterecomy and I hemridged and almost died. I was in the hospital for 12 days in ICU. Now remember this is February ok. Well in May of 2008, a few months later I was in DIRE pain and the Dr told me it was all in my head. He finally gave in and did surgery and found Endometriosis all over and when I mean all over I mean all over. I still have the ovaries but everything else is gone in me. Well the Endometriosis decided to climb on my spine, push my left kidney against my back, push on my bowels and bladder and down my thighs. This Dr showed me the pictures he took while he was in there and said I need to have a LONG ASS surgery to get rid of the Endometriosis and that it will take about 10 hours to do. Well it was scheduled and I never showed up. They called at 6:00 am asking where I was on the answering machine. I never picked up or called back. I was SCARED as hell ever since what happened with the hysterectomy.

I FINALLY go to my OBGYN today because the pains are so bad I can't take it no more. Just for me to go pee I actually have to push like you would to have a baby. My bowels... hahaha... I have IBS from the Endo so it is constipation one day or the shits the next.

Sex......... That is here and there with tears from pain. It sucks. Everyday I am in dire pain but just kept dealing with it as much as I could up until a few days ago when I said I cannot do this anymore. I am not a pill popper, I hate to even take my Phycho meds but I know I need them to keep me sane. I don't even take tylenol for pains, I refuse to take anything, especially narcotics.

My Dr today did the whole Pap test and all. He said he could feel the swelling on the vaginal wall. No wonder it hurts you Theresa he says, it is so swollen in there from the Endometriosis. "Theresa Honey, I know why you have been holding out on the surgery but we need to do this like NOW, you have children that need you and the longer you wait, the worst your organs are getting". "We are doing blood work to see if you have a blood disorder from when I gave birth bleeding so much and from the hysterectomy. I also have to go and get a bone denstity test done. Lupron shots are basically putting a woman into menopause and you are technically only supposed to be on Lupron shots like 3 times and I have been on them like 7 times to control the Endometriois because I had no other options besides surgeries thatI always refused =( Now I regret it.

Bone denstity test and ultra sound of the pelvic area is Dec 10th and after that my surgery will be scheduled. I am SCARED shitless. i am so serious I am really afraid to die. I almost died whe I had the hysterectomy because of the hemridging and them opening me back up 12 hours later. It was bad plus blood transfusions on top of it.

I AM SCARED to do this surgery.

Dr says he is going in with the scope, going to look around and see how bad it is and get out what he can. What he can't get out is the major surgery with the specialists there that can get the kidney to straighten out with a stent and all. I am so scared! I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life when it comes to surgeries, I've had so many but just the last one really put a damper on my feeling towards surgeries now. If all goes well, I can come home that day if the surgery is not major. If it turns out to be a major surgery where all the Dr's can be available I will be there for a few days!

I am scared guys. What if I die? What would my kids do without me? What if the same thing happens from when I had my hysterectomy? My Dr had 2 Assistants with him that are going through their internship. The one guy looked at me and said you are a living Endometriosis nightmare. My Dr turned around and said I have never ever ever seen this happen before and yes, Theresa is in the medical research book for Endometriosis.

I want to cry but it won't come out. I tell Joe I am so scared and all he says is, you'll be fine. What else should I expect? Nothing. Nothing at all really. I just need him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and I will come home that day and be in no more pain!

The surgery date is unknown at this time, they are waiting for the blood work to come back first and my bone denstity test and pelvic ultra sound first. I'll keep you guys posted on when it is so you know I am not ignoring you guys when i am not online writing you on here and Myspace!


How can the endometriosis grow when I don't get a period? All I have is ovaries and the right one is the size of a grape, non functionable so how is the Endo getting worst and growing with no period I asked.

The Answer:
The ovaries are still in there which produce hormones and endometriosis grows from the hormones and atttaches where it can and apparently from the pictures my Dr got from May of 2008, it is ALL OVER. Well tjat explains why my back hurts all day long, it's on my spine. That explains why I have to push just to pee. That explains why i cannot have sexual intercourse with my husband without tears or hurry up Joe cause it hurts!

Just do me a favor guys and pray if you pray. If you don't pray.. think of me!!!

4 comments:

Bridgett said...

It's okay to be scared, Tree. It truly is. I'd be scared too. Even if I hadn't experienced what you've experienced with previous surgeries, I'd still be scared.

It's normal. I bet there's not a single person who's been faced with surgery who hasn't had the immortality thoughts running through their heads.

What I can tell you...death during surgery is NOT the norm. In fact, you couldn't be in a safer place if something goes wrong. You're already intubated, you have at least one surgeon, an anesthesiologist, nurses...a whole team taking care of ONLY you.

The reason you bled so much last time was because the doctor chose to take a short cut. That won't happen this time.

I think you'll be just fine, Tree. I really do.

And just think of how wonderful it will be when you can do normal daily activities without pain? Think of how wonderful it will be for sex to be pleasurable again!

You can do this!

You have a will to live...for your kids.

And that makes all the difference in the world.

Keep your head high and your worries at bay. You have lots of friends pulling for you.

Much love and big hugs,
B

Remo said...

Bridgett is right - you couldn't be in a better place if (and I said IF) someone goes wrong. I mean, that's where all the doctors are at, right? If your car conks out, wouldn't you want it to be in the driveway of a dealership?

Hang in there. You need to focus on how this will make your life so much better and that a year from now you will be SOOOO glad you went through with it.

Sending good vibes your way!

Anonymous said...

I don't blame you for being scared Tree. I'm scared for ya! I'm sure everything will be fine though. Just keep thinking of how much better you'll feel when it's over.

BTW, are you saying that if you would have had a total hysterectomy that the endometerosis wouldn't have came back?

***Monica

- said...

I will be thinking of you. Please keep us up to date with everything and all the details!!!